Crikey it's been a while

I shouldn't really leave it this long, Iv decided I'm going to write more of my blogs with my true honest self. Iv always feared writing a blog has it exactly is for me from day to day. Il take this week to start with, everyday has been exactly the same right down to the time I have my dinner & tea to when I go to sleep well I say sleep if I don't sleep properly soon I fear I will need a padded cell. Unfortunately Iv ran out of my meds again but because I just don't go anywhere Iv not seen my Doc in months & months. She hasn't phoned to see why Iv not been & Iv not phoned so Iv kinda decided maybe med free might be the way to go for a while. Past 15 years on the things haven't made my life less dark, less painful at times, you know hearing a paticular song from when life seemed like life when I was doing something close to what normal people do everyday, but it's then I can't control things, I'm not ashamed to tell you Iv cried a lot on those nightseeking come close to a few silly thoughts of ways to stop the hurting when it gets pretty bad the fear I will never see & do things everyone should be doing like watching cricket & football but more important to me & yes this may sound soppy or not manly but I want to feel loved by that someone special. I guess that's what we all want at the end of the day but I will say way before that ever happens it's down to me to start loving myself again & that's going to be tough if my situation doesn't improve lots. It's that time of year where things like this start to annoy me, but il point out from the off I choose to be alone over Xmas I prefer it that way there's nothing more I absolutely hate is seeing my family see me the way I am I feel ever so pathetic & I know that's my bag but it's me that's feeling it which upsets me so I do all things humanly possible to avoid those feelings I much prefer to spend the evening talking bollocks & having a laugh on Twitter that way nobody sees the in between except me & God. Hey writing this is lifting a bit of the weight, talking to (if anyone does actually ever read my blogs)really does do something. There's so much sadness in this world at the minute so promise me you will at least once do a nice turn for those you love we never know what's around the corner. I'm not going to leave it so long again I don't think that way I don't hoard all the negative stuff in my head constantly you never know I may become a normal cuckoo ☺ Peace to u all from @Kev_One77 ✌

Another week has gone by, the start of the week wasn't too bad all things considered but my god id have liked it of been better. I'm trying not to make all my blogs doom & gloom, but having said that I write these blogs for myself mainly, it helps me to not dwell & keep things inside my head where it just poisons my thoughts. Should of gone to my Doctors today, but I couldn't face going out, iv been feeling crap all night, so had to cancel, I dont like messing my Doc about because she is ever so nice to me. Iv not been out my flat for some time, I got my shopping delivered to me, its getting to me, I'm still a young bloke & should be enjoying life to the full but its like I'm driving with an anchor & handbrake on, its pathetic mental health services in Derbyshire/Nottinghamshire is so bad. I guess cutting costs & austerity is more important to the Government & local councils because I cant think of another reason has to why they are this way. I should do more myself has well, I cant lay all the blame at someone else's door, only I can live & do things with my life really. Its Saturday tomorrow, so plenty of football on tv, I also see Sky are showing Notts v Yorkshire at Trent Bridge from Sunday too which I cant wait for, cant beat 4 day or test cricket, all this t20 guff is getting like baseball nowadays, I know there's skill to it & I have been watching some IPL games, especially when theres a English player involved which is only 2 teams which have current players. I'm just looking forward to the English summer, well a week or so of sun before it gets freezing cold again. I'm quite looking forward to the Sri Lanka test series which I a warm up to the Pakistan test series, where I'm looking forward to one thing, seeing what young Mohammed Amir will be like, what sort of reaction he will get seeing its his first test series since the ill fated series I forget what year it was, where he got caught spot fixing & going to jail & loosing years of his promising career. I still think he was dealt with harshly seeing he was still such a young lad in age & in terms of his career in international cricket. Senior members of that Pakistan team led him astray in my opinion but, he is responsible for his actions, but it must of been hard to turn down the requests from team members though. Talking all things cricket is fun, it cheers me up no end, such a great sport & with the state of my other love Nottingham Forest at this time makes me love cricket even more, iv always found cricket more enjoyable than football from day one anyway. One thing for sure, going to Trent Bridge when I'm fighting fit is high on my priority list thats for sure. Fingers crossed this season Notts can beat Yorkshire to the County Championship & put a good run together in either t20 or one day tournaments, without the regular semi final choke job of recent years gone by...

With the way things are with me at present I tend to do alot of day dreaming & wondering about what could of been. To be honest growing up I never had clear ideas on what I was going to do with myself. I had loads of interests, ranging from Cricket, Football to getting wasted with friends. Getting high solved alot of issues, issues I kept to myself, issues I didnt fully understand to be honest, I was a young guy growing up, with all the problems all teenage lads have but with mental health problems on top. Dont know why I'm telling you all this, but I enjoy writing about things & writing helps clear the puddles out my head. I may not of know what I wanted to do has a whipper snapper, but I do know what I want to do when I finally get over, get over is the wrong way of putting it but once I figure out how to deal with my mental health problems better I can live a some what normal life. I think one of the first things in going to do is sit in the sun & have a nice expensive coffee & bacon sandwich at some fancy cafe in Nottingham, my favorite City. Id also like to visit some Ancient Roman sites in the UK. Before all of this iv got to find work, I dont plan on doing some crappy factory 9 til 5 gig, that will only send me crazy & make me miserable which could make me ill again so I plan to go back to school & get proper qualifications for some real meaning full work. I quite like the idea of finishing what I started before I got ill. A degree in health & social care, would be nice to be able to hold my hand out to someone just like me, I think it would be so gratifying to be able to give someone that hand up, to help steer someone in the right direction so they can get better again just like me. Sadly, I'm still waiting for that person to help me & put me in the right direction. I know its me who has to do it at the end of the day, but if u get cancer, you get help to get better? So why in the UK in 2016 is it near on impossible to get help for mental health problems?? The brain is the most complex organ going, so stands to reason it may go wrong from time to time. Theres no shame in this, well I know this now, but there isn't.

The weekend has just landed again, which means Nottingham Forest play, unfortunately the way we have been playing its not been enjoyable, maybe made a tad worse because of local team Leicester on the verge of winning their first league title in their history. On this, I find annoying is the pundits think this will be the best & unmatched achievement in English football. When, in fact I still believe what Brian Clough & Peter Taylor did in the late 70s with Forest the best achievement, I know I may be slightly biased on this matter, but think properly about it, the first season we got promoted we won the league title, still the best achievement by a newly promoted club to this day, add to the mix winning the league cup & going 40+ games without loosing one game. Winning the league meant we qualified for Europe, our first season in the competition like the league success Clough & Taylor masterminded something I think deserves loads of praise, a European cup winning campaign, bringing the cup back to Nottingham. Only a couple of seasons before we were just a second Div team going nowhere, especially not to places like Munich for sure. So in my opinion this season alone matches anything Leicester are doing now, but then throw in another season of successfully defending both the European & League Cups again. Back to back doubles, so when I hear Leicester are doing something no one else has done, me has a little chuckle & says, win the CL then defend it the following season then there's something to match what Nottingham Forest Fc have already done.

Wow, iv learnt how to jazz my blogs up a bit, wish life was that easy to jazz up. There are times id love a magic wand to fix things, nice & quickly, but if I did I guess id never learn or grow from my mistakes & from life in general. I got a new book other week, its about Ancient Rome, more specific Roman Emperors. I thought our MPs & ruling elite were a odd bunch but by Ancient Rome standards todays lot are saints. Id love a time machine, to actually go back to see what life back then was really like, I quite like my imagination but I like hard facts which I hard for me to get too because I never learned how to read Latin & programs & books seem to contradict each other at times. Still, its fun learning about things over 2000 years ago & how so much of our ways stems from the Romans.

Is everything really worth it? I find things really tough going at times, people assuming things about me, people that know bugger all about me,i used to enjoy twitter, well I still do,but im starting to think I use,it too much, or share views I shouldn't, but I shouldn't have too. Im sick to death of being judged for things. Trouble is if I delete my twitter account, thats it, iv seen 2 people in the last month, one was my Doctor. Twitter is all I have, im feeling awful because of things I shouldn't, but thats me, cant help it. I think im a good bloke, deep down, im sick of how iv become, but thats down to my mental health which is getting to me, only myself to blame really, just a shame iv become this way, id love it to be different & back to normal what ever normal is. Iv been watching the news alot lately, really pees me off the ruling elite seem to live by other laws us normal folk dont. The latest is our PM going about saying "we are all in it together" together my arse,together until it suits them to do things that protect what they hold dear more than most things their money. Sadly I can't change this so I try not to let it annoy me too much. My last Doctors appointment was a tough one, its crazy how I get myself because of having to have a blood test, thankfully only my Doc saw me, its just now, iv struggled to sleep because of what the results may come out with. Its really nice to be able to talk to people about this on twitter, some really good people on here, I still think whether they are just being nice for sake of being nice to me but that's my baggage not theirs so I can deal with that. Iv not wrote a blog in ages, should do more really, cus I enjoy writing I just don't want to be all doom & gloom on here cus theres only so much people can take, so blogs are a good way around this, that way I can use twitter for what I'm good at, trying to make folk laugh & be my crazy self, I may has well get some fun out of my misery, my good days I can do this, I learnt along time ago, humour is good for me when I can anyway.

Things havnt been great recently, just finding stuff hard to deal with. Must say some of the stuff was due to a lonely christmas, all my doing by the way. My pride gets in the way, I dont or I didnt want my mum, seeing me in the state I got myself in. Dec 13th I recieved another letter from a mental health service telling me I was being discharged again. Well today,10th Jan, I found out why they discharged me. It was because the guy I talked to at my assesment thought I was fobing him off. He said he knew I needed help, but couldnt figure out why I wasnt fully honest with him, my Doc tells me im good at "putting a brave face on" and yes im guilty of this, and today I told her why. I dislike being me, I cant look at myself, I feel like "some weirdo" who needs help with stuff a child can do. I guess, iv been seeing things differently. Iv always just wanted to chat to a shrink to fix the thoughts I have, if I thought right, id be ok, but that wouldnt fix everything. Iv not been out for enjoyment for years and this is the issue. So im hoping things have changed, maybe but untill any concrete happens. Talking about things helps, but has I have little people I can talk too doesnt help me. I'd be lost without twitter, but theres only so much strangers csn take of me talking about my shit. So I be me, which is great cus I dont feel judged, not that anyone has said anything to me. But, fingers crossed they wont judge me. KHbeano.